Unfolding the adoption story

The truth about an adopted child’s birth is best told early, says this adoptive mom.

There are two schools of thought about telling children they were adopted: ‘Ignorance is bliss’ and ‘Truth sets you free’.

In the past, blissful ignorance was the usual practice. It was believed that children did not need to know that they were adopted. Adoptions were ‘matched’ (children looked like their parents) so many people never knew they were adopted or only found out by accident well into adulthood.

However, the ‘secret’ often had a way of coming out either unintentionally (for example, a relative letting the cat out the bag by mistake) or intentionally (for example, a family ‘friend’ using the information to hurt the adoptee). The reaction of many adoptees to finding out their ‘secret’ was a breakdown of the relationship with their parents. ‘How could they have lied to me my whole life? How can I trust anything they told me?’

The prevailing wisdom now is that children have the right to know where they come from and to know the truth about their adoption. Believing that the truth will set children free raises many questions: Who should tell? When do you tell? What do you tell? How do you tell?

Who should tell?
The experts all agree the adoptive parents should do the telling. When parents tell their child about their adoption they do so with love. This open, loving telling by parents means that adoption is not seen as a dirty secret to be ashamed of.

When do you tell?
Opinions differ but most experts say that with telling, the younger the better and definitely by age 8. Telling children from day 1 means they grow up knowing they are adopted and it’s no big deal. It’s just the way their family was formed. It is important that a child knows he or she was adopted before they reach puberty. Puberty brings about many changes and raises issues about identity. Learning that they were adopted at this stage can be one huge change too many for children to deal with.

What do you tell?
A building-block approach where information is introduced little by little is often recommended. This allows the child to absorb the information gradually over the years. What you tell a 3-year old will be very different from what you tell a 10-year old, so the information should be given in age-appropriate terms.

How do you tell?
Telling a child they were adopted is not a once-off ‘serious talk’. It is an ongoing process that changes as the child develops and matures in their understanding. Many parents use stories in telling – both their child’s own story and other adoption stories. The early days of telling an infant their story is more for the parent to get comfortable with talking positively about adoption. Adoption storybooks can be used as springboards for discussions or simply to show that there are other children who were adopted too. The most important thing about telling a child is being open and honest. One adoptee whose parents were not open about discussing her adoption said, ‘I convinced myself that since no one talked about it – or if they did it was in hushed tones – it must be a bad thing.’

The child needs to be able to trust their parents to answer questions at any time. The parents need to answer these questions as simply and truthfully as they can. Children have vivid imaginations and if their questions go unanswered they may dream up answers far worse than the actual situation. Being honest with children helps them to paint a real picture of their adoption rather than create a fantasy.

Telling a child that they were adopted should be a story of love between parents and children. Openness and honesty between parents and their children builds trust and a feeling of security. That is true for every family but especially for families formed through adoption.

This is a synthesis of what psychologists, social workers, adoption specialists and adoptive parents say from their experience and research. There is one book that is particularly excellent for anyone who wants to know how to tell their child about their adoption: Adoption Conversations by Renee Wolfs. 

Should children be told they’re adopted? At what age?Please post your comments below or at track2311@yahoo.com

Would you adopt?

Is adoption natural or does it take a special kind of person?

 
For many, adoption is the only option for starting a family. Some choose to adopt and have their own biological children too. But there are those that wouldn't adopt even if it was their only choice. What would you do?

Would you consider adoption? Vote below and share with us in the comments.

Are we teaching our children to lie?

If all parents want is for their kids to be honest, how come 96% of children lie?

Parents consistently rate honesty as the trait they most want in their children (more than confidence and high self-esteem) and depending on their age, up to 98% of children share the same virtue – on paper. Yet, studies show that 96% of children lie, so what are we doing wrong?

The truth about lying:

• Boys and girls both lie equally as much, but girls are often believed to be telling the truth more often.

• Older kids are more prone to lying than younger ones.

• Usually very intelligent children are the best liars. It requires advanced cognitive and social skills (which honesty does not). They need to recognize what the truth is, come up with a lie that actually makes sense and then sell that new reality (convincingly and with a straight face, or put-on tears) to somebody else. In other words, lying is a more advanced skill than telling the truth.

• Introverts lie less often than extroverts because they tend to lack the social skills required to pull off a lie.

• Almost all children will have experimented with lying by the time they are 4 years old.

• Kids don’t grow out of lying, they grow into it. Parents believe that lies at a young age are innocent and should just be ignored. Nothing could be further from the truth – literally.

• 4-year-olds lie approximately once every two hours and 6-year-olds about once an hour. By the age of 7, a third of children have developed the habit of lying and will continue.

• As they grow older, children lie for different reasons such as sparing a friend’s feelings or covering up for them if they did something wrong.

• 92% of 5-year-olds consider lying to be wrong, but when asked why, they say it’s because you get punished for it.

• Parents believe they can tell when their children are lying, but most are fooled on a daily basis.

Do you expect your children to always tell the truth? Share with us below.

REMEMBERING THE HORRORS OF 'OPERATION APRIL 6'

Yesterday marked 15 long yet memorable years since Mama Liberia,her enfants and humanity at large witnessed some of the most gruesome atrocities inflicted upon the helpless Liberian populace at the hands of those bandits and bloodthirsty 'self style liberators'..............As we stroll down memory's lane,I vividly remember seeing (on CNN) Monrovia and her suburban ablaze and thousands wandering up and down the emptied streets of Monrovia.............

Oh little did I know that my very loving dad like many hundreds more affectionate dads was a victim of the imfamous and power rapaciuos April 6.In an earnest effort to remember the day and all those who lost thier lives,loveones,properties and those whose lives(I'm inclusive) have  never been the same since that fateful day,I chose to re-publish this article written by a brother the Comrade Emmanuel Heroditus Payne,Jr.

REMEMBERING THE HORRORS OF 'OPERATION APRIL 6'

By: Emmanuel H. Payne Jr.

What I saw as the tragic paradox of the Liberian civil war occurred on the morning of April 6 , 1996 , when an unholy matrimony between two foes - Alhaji kromah and Charles Taylor - was formed and sought to eliminate one of the main variables in the Liberian political equation , Mr. Roosevelt Johnson.

On this day , panic-stricken residents were awakened by loud reports of machine gun fire and the 'kpa--kpa- gbo-- gbos ' of AK47 Riffles as the drugged libertines and urchins and armed bandits , some of them wearing masks and synthetic hair, commandeered private and business vehicles to the scene of contention in the Sinkor district of eastern Monrovia. Within days Monrovia and it suburbs were infested with thousands of 'killing machines' and looters from the bushes of rural Liberia.

For several weeks to come this evil marriage, acting under the pretense of enforcing justice, was to rain havoc on the city of Monrovia and its inhabitants while the peace keepers and a detachment of US MARINES protecting the American diplomatic mission near Monrovia , stood aloof and served as mere spectators of this bloody military drama. Monrovia became a Mogadishu on the West coast and out of the desperation , hundreds could prefer the risk of sailing in rotten vessels than to be killed for no apparent reason by blood-thirsty and trigger-happy criminals on both sides.


Exactly a decade afterwards , I remember the horrors of April 6 and pay tribute to those who were fallen by the bandits swords and arms.

But I must confess the degree of relief I also feel on this tenth year memorial, that the senior architect and partner in the evil marriage that unleashed terrors on us , DAHKPANA , is facing the weight of justice abroad. I am reminded of a parable " a child who refuses cool advice at home will get harsh correction outside."

I hope that Kromah , Gen. Butt-Naked(who is currently disguised as an evangelist , though evangelism does not provide escape from the wrath of justice) and others , will realize that they owe sincere apology to the Liberian people for their roles in the ATROCITIES of April 1996 in particular and the civil war as a whole.

About the Author:
EMMANUEL H. PAYNE JR.
A LIBERIAN WRITER AND STUDENT ADVOCATE OF SOCIAL JUSTICE 

Sex kills - here's how.

Unfit people, be warned – engaging in sex (or any sudden burst of physical activity) could be fatal!

A new study examined the link between fitness, sex and death and found that people are:

•    3.5 times more likely to suffering a heart attack or sudden cardiac death while exercising, compared to when they are not. This is because the heart rhythm changes and causes the heart to stop pumping blood.

•    2.7 times more likely to have a heart attack while having sex or soon afterward, compared to when they are not.

Jessica Paulus, a researcher involved in the study, said the risk of having a heart attack is fairly high as such studies go.

But, she added, the period of increased risk is brief.

"These elevated risks are only for a short period of time (1 to 2 hours) during and after the physical or sexual activity," she said.

So basically, if you look at the chance of this happening over a year, the risk decreases.

"If you take 10,000 people, each individual session of physical or sexual activity per week can be associated with an increase of 1 to 2 cases of heart attack or sudden cardiac death per year,” she said.

So does this mean you should stop having sex?

Imagine that…

"What we really don't want to do is for the public to walk away from this and think exercise is bad," she said.

What it does suggest, however, is that individuals who (want to have sex, but) do not exercise regularly need to start any exercise programme slowly, increasing the intensity of the workout gradually over time.

Should I wait? Ladies' duo puzzle.

You've resolved to wait a few years to have a baby, but is that a wise choice? Is it possible to fool Mother Nature into disregarding the ticking of our biological clocks?

Women used to start families when they were in their late teens and twenties. Nowadays, many are choosing to postpone motherhood until they're well into their thirties. Have we managed to slow down our biological clocks or are we simply learning to ignore the ticking?
Born at the right time
Our biological clocks are definitely not slowing down, nor can we turn back the hands of time to make more space in our busy schedules for having babies, says Dr Johan van Rensburg, a fertility specialist at Medfem Clinic in Johannesburg.
"The biological clock is similar to an ATM at the bank. Every month we withdraw money. Unfortunately, the body cannot issue transaction slips telling us that there are so many ova remaining and how much time we have left to have babies. One day we will simply discover that there are no more reserves left."
Van Rensburg says the general rule, which applies to 90% of all women, is that you should have fallen pregnant by 35. "For many women, 35 is already too late, however, and they only find out once they unsuccessfully try to have a baby."
It is possible to determine your chances of having a baby via a series of hormone tests. "Prior to undergoing these tests, a woman should stop taking oral contraceptives for at least a month and the tests need to be done on the third day of her menstrual cycle," according to Van Rensburg.
He warns that the results of these tests are merely an indication of what's going on in a woman's body at that particular time. They are not a reliable measure of future fertility.
The average woman is born with 150 000 to 400 000 ova in her Fallopian tubes and 20 to 50 of these are released every month. Only one of them develops sufficiently to stand a chance of being fertilised. A couple in their twenties stands a 20-25% chance of conceiving during a normal cycle. The number of times they have sex, stress and the physical condition of each partner are the major factors that influence the likelihood of having a baby. As time goes by, the probability decreases.
What can I do?
You can protect your biological clock with sound lifestyle choices, according to Van Rensburg. "Regular exercise, a healthy and balanced diet and low stress levels can help preserve the ova left in your body."

Stop smoking and double your chances of having a baby. If your partner smokes excessively, it could lower his sperm count, inhibit the movement of the sperm and adversely affect its quality.

Use antioxidants along with a multi-vitamin supplement to boost your immune system and limit the adverse effects of free radicals.

Limit alcohol, which could inhibit sperm production, and increases the chances of a miscarriage.

Reduce stress in your own life and encourage your partner to do the same.

Watch what you eat by avoiding too much sugar, alcohol, artificial sweeteners, caffeine, fats and salt. Eat lots of fresh fruit and vegetables and include avos, olives, nuts, seeds and olive oil in your diet, to boost your intake of fatty acids. Eat complex carbohydrates such as potatoes, brown rice, maize meal and wheat, instead of processed or refined foods, to keep your blood sugar levels stable. High blood sugar can adversely affect the quality of your ova. The period when you're trying to conceive is not the time to try out a low-kilojoule starvation-type diet.

Maintain a healthy body weight because Van Rensburg says women should realise that they could become permanently infertile if they are too thin. "The hypothalamus sustains damage and even if your weight normalises, the effects could prove irreversible." (The hypothalamus is located in the brain and is responsible for vital bodily functions such as controlling your temperature, regulating hormone levels, blood pressure and the balance of fluids in the body.)
Ideally, you should have approximately 20% body fat. This percentage affects the level of oestrogen in your body and oestrogen helps you ovulate.

Moderate exercise is sufficient – swim, run, walk or cycle. A heavy exercise regime can affect menstruation.
Are you trying to avoid your biological clock ticking away?
Please do post your comments below in the comments' space provided or send your thoughts to email address: track2311@yahoo.com/track2311@counsellor.com.

Do it daily-go the extra time.

Keen to fall pregnant? Boost your partner's sperm count by having sex daily!
 
Having sex every day improves the quality of men's sperm and is recommended for couples trying to conceive, according to new research.

Until now doctors have debated whether or not men should refrain from sex for a few days before attempting to conceive with their partner to improve the chance of pregnancy.

But a new study by Dr David Greening of Sydney IVF, an Australian centre for infertility and in vitro fertilisation (IVF) treatment, suggests abstinence is not the right approach.

He studied 118 men with above-average sperm DNA damage and found the quality of their sperm increased significantly after they were told to ejaculate daily for seven days.

On average, their DNA fragmentation index - a measure of sperm damage - fell to 26% from 34%, Greening told the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology in Amsterdam on Tuesday.

Frequent sex does decrease semen volume but for most men this is not a problem.

"It seems safe to conclude that couples with relatively normal semen parameters should have sex daily for up to a week before the ovulation date," he said in a statement.

"In the context of assisted reproduction, this simple treatment may assist in improving sperm quality and ultimately achieving a pregnancy."

Greening said it was likely frequent ejaculation improved the quality of sperm by reducing the length of time they were exposed to potentially damaging molecules called reactive oxygen species in the testicular ducts.

Do you think doing it daily helps your chances?

Please do post your comments below in the comments' space provided or send your thoughts to email address: track2311@yahoo.com/track2311@counsellor.com.

Twins conceived from 13-year-old sperm

A Taiwanese woman’s pregnancy shows that sperm is never too old to do its job.

A Taiwanese woman has given birth to healthy twins using the 13-year-old frozen sperm of a former testicular cancer patient, local media said on Saturday, setting a record for the island.

The twin boys were born using the sperm taken from a man surnamed Chen, then 23, who was diagnosed with testicular cancer and told chemotherapy could make him infertile, Taiwan newspapers said, citing sources at a Taipei medical university.

Chen, who is in good health at age 36 but cannot produce sperm naturally, got his wife pregnant with two of the four embryos used for artificial insemination, newspapers said. Last month's delivery followed a 37-week pregnancy.

"Never before had a case involving such a long period of time between the freezing of male sperm and procreation been reported in Taiwan," the island's Central News Agency reported, citing the college of medicine dean at Taipei Medical University.

The issue of religion

Whether it's Christianity, Islam or Buddhism, religion is always a tough topic to tackle.

At one point or another, religion is something that enters all of our lives. As a parent, it will be even harder for you when your kidlet comes home with a Bible tucked under his arm wanting answers. From you.

Here's some of what our Parent24 community has said on the subject. Click on the links for more.

Practice what you preach

A parent on our forums was faced with this problem when her son came home one day with something to say. 'My five-year-old son declared that he was no longer interested in our general coverage on the matter but that he now wants to go to church to learn about God and Jesus.'

Another user gave her opinions on the matter by asking, 'You made your own decision to be agnostic, surely you can not ram your philosophy down your children's throats?'

It may sound harsh but many agree. You cannot force religion onto a child or make them believe in what you do.

Should children fast?
In Islam, fasting is something that is done as part of the faith. Zayaan Schroeder Mollagee discusses the question of whether or not children should fast. Is fasting another case of 'practice as you preach' or leading by example?

When Marlon Abrahams is asked by his daughter what she should do regarding choosing a religion he takes the broad-stroke approach of explaining that 'we're all probably praying to the same God'.

Living pure
Religion can be used as a form of keeping your children 'pure'. Organisations like The Silver Ring Thing use the Bible as a source for children to not have sex until married. Some may feel this is a bit like blackmail or by placing guilt on your child. Others have argued that if it works then is it such a bad thing?

In the end, your child will always look to you as the parent first for teaching on all things religious. It's up to you what you teach them.

What route did you take when teaching your child about religion? Share with us below.

Ivory Coast: 'Heavy fighting' near Gbagbo residence

Looting broke out in various parts of Abidjan late Thursday as chaos spread with the arrival of forces backing internationally recognized president Alassane Ouattara while the whereabouts of incumbent Laurent Gbagbo remained unknown.

A spokesperson for Ouattara told Agence France-Presse (AFP) that Republican Forces had captured control of state-run television. Earlier, Ouattara's camp announced a curfew extending from 2100 GMT Thursday until 0600 GMT until Sunday. There was heavy weapons fire in the Cocody suburb, where Gbagbo's residence is located, while about 50 French soldiers patrolled neighborhoods where French nationals live. Eyewitnesses told AFP looters were breaking into stores and carrying away goods, while other people remained indoors as gunfire and heavy weapons fire raged.

 

Earlier, Ouattara's prime minister warned Gbagbo that he had until 1900 GMT to step down or Republican Forces backing Ouattara would seek him out.

"Laurent Gbagbo must turn himself over in order to avoid a bloodbath," said Guillaume Soro, Ouattara's premier, in a telephone interview with AFP.Meanwhile, forces of the United Nations Operation in Cote d'Ivoire (Unoci) occupied the city's main airport. The head of some 100 Ivorian troops at the airport peacefully handed over control, AFP said, citing an unnamed UN official.

Earlier, pro-Gbagbo troops withdrew their blockade of the hotel housing Ouattara and his cabinet.

A check point on the "the corridor south" the main road between rebel held Bouake and the main government controlled city, Abidjan.

In a lightning advance across the country that has met little resistance from Cote d'Ivoire's military, the Republican Forces captured several key towns, including the capital, Yamoussoukro, and the port of San Pedro before reaching Abidjan on Thursday. In addition to weapons fire in Cocody, small arms and heavy weapons fire could be heard in central Abidjan near the presidential palace and the national television offices.

The whereabouts of Gbagbo were unknown on Thursday night, although state television announced that he was to address the nation. Earlier on Thursday, the army chief of staff, his wife and five children sought refuge at the residence of the South African envoy to Cote d'Ivoire.
The BBC reported that the head of the military police had defected and gone to Ouattara's headquarters at the Golf Hotel.